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Jezebels Article on Contouring is Bad and They Should Feel Bad

Jezebels Article on Contouring is Bad and They Should Feel Bad

I should probably preface this article by saying that I used to read Jezebel, so there is a tiny part of my heart with a slightly mushy spot for them. (Hell, I was a starred commenter back when that was a thing.) However, that mushy spot immediately hardens to stone when they pull some sort of fucking bullshit, which seems to be approximately daily.

Jezebels article on contouring, entitled "Lets Just Stop With the Contouring Already" by Tracie Morrissey is fucking bullshit and I am going to explain why, point by insipid point. (Note: I did include a link to the original article, but if you want to avoid giving Jezebel pageviews, the entire article is included within this article. All you need to do is read the bolded parts below.) Is it the most bullshit thing that has ever graced the halls of Jezebel? Definitely not. But I am grumpy about it, and I am going to grump in your general direction.

Point #1: "Sure, love is a battlefield, but makeup isnt supposed to look like war paint."

This quote presumably was supposed to be witty, but, in my opinion, things that are witty are supposed to make sense. "Love is a battlefield" does not make sense when talking about makeup. It is not relevant. You need to have some sort of bridge to the topic at hand. Makeup is not love.

Still, the thing I take umbrage at here is that Tracy presumes that there is a way that makeup is "supposed" to look. One of the awesome and amazing things about makeup is that you can do whatever the fuck you want with it. Minor quibble, but I suppose we can move on.

Point #2: Still, women are drawing stripes all over their faces and taking liberties with bronzer in an attempt to create some kind of illusion—but they simply cant escape the cold hard reality that they look like fucking idiots.

Calling women "fucking idiots" is not helpful.

Point #3: I blame Kim Kardashian for this. Shes been a real champion of contouring.

Image Source: http://jezebel.com/lets-just-stop-with-the-contouring-already-1547517476

If you think that Kim Kardashian invented contouring, I can only assume that you have literally never looked at celebrity faces.

Contouring is not new.

Do you see that swipe of color under Marilyn Monroes cheekbone? You do. Dont lie. Image source: http://www.oassf.com/en/media/images/Marilyn-Monroe-Photo.jpg

If you try to tell me you dont see the contouring on Audrey Hepburn, you need new glasses. Image Source: http://www.vanityfair.com/online/oscars/2013/04/audrey-hepburn-never-thought-i-was-beautiful/_jcr_content/par/cn_contentwell/par-main/cn_blogpost/cn_float_container/cn_image.size.cover-may-2013-audrey-hepburn.jpeg

Obvious contouring is obvious on Elizabeth Taylor. Image source: http://content7.flixster.com/rtactor/42/22/42225_pro.jpg

If its good enough for Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman... Image Source: http://imgur.com/a/GUFMO

So, what is it about Kim Kardashian that is different from the thousands and thousands of contoured faces we have seen for our entire lives?

As far as I can tell, the only difference is that she is open about her process.

Point #4: Her influence can be seen on the mangled faces of several reality TV stars. (From left, Lilly Ghalichi, Melissa Gorga, Nene Leakes.)

Image Source: http://jezebel.com/lets-just-stop-with-the-contouring-already-1547517476

I dont know who these ladies are, since pretty much the only reality TV I watch is Top Chef and infinite re-runs of Flavor of Love, but a quick google search shows that these ladies usually look rather good. Although I understanding the reasoning behind choosing the least flattering pictures available, it really is okay to mess up with your makeup on occasion.

Nene Leakes looking way better that she does in that Jezebel photo. Source: http://shaystar.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/nene-leakes.jpg

The other day, I tried something new with my foundation and it was not a success. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the dentist and my foundation was melting off my face. That doesnt mean I should never wear foundation again. It just means that on that particular day, I screwed up. Since Im not a celebrity, no one photographed me, so the only people who know about that particular error are me and my dentist (and now, all of you). When youre a celebrity, though, people see when you screw up. But that doesnt mean its not okay to make an error or two.

Point #5: Here are two young women having a conversation on Teen Mom 2. They are classmates in makeup school. This is what your aesthetic future looks like, America.

Image Source: http://jezebel.com/lets-just-stop-with-the-contouring-already-1547517476

I literally dont even know why this would be included. Is the point that teenagers sometimes dont do their makeup well? When I was a teenager I wore bright orange foundation, had bushy caterpillar eyebrows, didnt blend my eyeshadow, and drew long, wonky cat eyes with a pencil eyeliner. I am not sure that a teenager with imperfect makeup is really newsworthy, or something that would affect the decisions I make about my own, no-longer-teenage face.

Also, why are you spending your time making fun of the way that teenagers look?

Point #6: But its not just reality stars whore walking around looking like the cast of Zoobilee Zoo. Professional entertainers, like Nicki Minaj and Julie Chen, pay people to do this to their faces.

Image Source: http://jezebel.com/lets-just-stop-with-the-contouring-already-1547517476

I feel like this one bad contouring day from 2011 is going to follow Nicki Minaj around forever. We get it. Its not flattering. But this is neither representative of Nicki Minajs usual contouring nor typical contouring that a home makeup-user might do.

Point #7: Heres inverse Hamburglar Adrienne Bailon, striped-nose Aubrey ODay and reliable disaster area Lindsay Lohan.

Image Source: http://jezebel.com/lets-just-stop-with-the-contouring-already-1547517476

Why is Jezebel choosing random celebrities like Adrienne Bailon, who I havent thought about since 3LWs self-titled album came out in the year 2000? Because bad contouring isnt an epidemic. Big-name celebrities are still contouring, they just look awesome, so its essentially ignored.

Beyonce with excellent contouring. Image source: http://blogdailyherald.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/BEY.jpg

(Also, slightly harsh nose contouring aside, none of these ladies look particularly bad in these photos.)

Point #8: But seriously, you dont need to reconstruct your face with a series of complicated shading and highlighting. It doesnt make you look more beautiful. It only makes you look like a second-rate drag queen. If you are unable to wash your face without recreating the Turin Shroud then you are wearing entirely too much crap on your face.

For every photo you show me with less than flattering contouring...

Its okay that this doesnt look perfect, by the way. I am pretty sure Lilo had more important things to think about that day. Image Source: http://www.celebitchy.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/lindsay_lohan_courthouse_03_wenn5742060.jpg

...I can show you a million regular, non-celebrities whose contouring looks like this:

Messy Wands in Chanel Notorious Image source: http://www.messywands.com/2012/09/chanel-notorious-blush-worn.html

BNSquash with a blue contour Image source: http://imgur.com/a/nlZDi

Checkmate1234 in Too Faced bronzer Image Source: http://imgur.com/a3123hs

Just as the existence of unflattering bright eyeshadow...

Image source: http://bobbyfinstock.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/02/mimi.jpg

...doesnt mean we should discount the truly amazing bright eyeshadow that also exists.

By LinsdayEatsBrains Image Source: http://instagram.com/p/kpQDlMRRCM/

Makeup is a learning process and you have to be forgiving of mistakes that people are inevitably going to make along the way. No one contours perfectly the first time. The way to deal with this isnt to say, "Never try." After all, the world wont have that perfect Beyonce contour if no one learns how to create it in the first place.

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